July 21, 2017 | Dǎng fú yí
Family for many is the foundation of who they are and inexplicably the only people that will truly understand and partake in the development of us. Therefore what is the definition of family and equally what makes them so essential to us?
I typed into Google the word ‘Family’ and was met with 11 definitions. This ranged from ‘the sharing of DNA’, ‘All descendants of the same ancestor’ to more modern ideas of family such as ‘A group consisting of two parents and their children living together as a unit’. The word family could be seen as a restrictive word yet it has become more versatile as adoption, fostering and just caring for someone has linked itself to this definition.
Ever since I was in Primary School I have had to explain how I am related to my family, how could my Chinese looking self possibly be related to my completely white British siblings and parents. Over the years I have become a lot more entertained with the prospects of answering this question and am amused by the responses I would get. For example, someone may ask me ‘ Are your parents Chinese?’, of which I would reply ‘No’, then they would look at me confused and ask ‘Your Grandparents then?’. I would again just reply ‘Nope’, again they just look at me baffled. To put their mind at ease I would explain ‘One of my ancestors had a recessive Chinese gene, and I guess it only became dominant with me’. Amazingly some people actually believed this until I finally just explained I was adopted from China.
I guess one of the advantages of looking different from your family is that you can pretend that you don’t know them. Which I have frequently done in times of embarrassment and necessity (Humiliating parent dances can easily be overcome by walking 2 metres in the opposite direction). As I have gotten older I have also started to experience many awkward situations of looking different from my family. Last year I attended a close family friend’s engagement party with my dad. Earlier that night I had already been mistaken for an exchange student when my dad was introducing us. Later on, when in a deeper conversation with the slightly drunken partygoers, they asked my dad ‘So is this your wife?’. First of all EXTREME PUKE FACE, secondly my dad is like 50 years older than me and thirdly another EXTREME PUKE FACE. I know it was just a mistake by an obviously tipsy partygoer and slightly amusing (but eww gross). After my dad explained I was his daughter, they then proceeded to ask my dad his origins. Partygoer- ‘Oh where are you from then?’ Dad – “I’m from Newport in Wales” Partygoer- “So no relatives in Japan or Asia” Dad- ‘No, Just from Wales’ Partygoer- ‘Oh?’ paired with moderate confusion and slight tipsiness the conservation drifted elsewhere.
Nevertheless, the meaning to me of ‘Family’ has and will never be tarnished by the superficial element of appearance and DNA. In some occasions people simply don’t understand this concept, they have the need to put everything in a box and label it. Such as, once I was told my brothers aren’t my brothers as we don’t share the same DNA and obviously in the official government records or whatever it will say so because of this (I mean come on, who even cares). Another experience I remember was when I was about 10 years old, on Mother’s Day at church. Everyone in Sunday School was writing cards to their mothers. Whilst writing in my card this boy came up to took one look at my card and said ‘Shouldn’t you write Happy Adopted Mother’s Day’. Upset, I didn’t know how to respond except stating that my adopted mum is my mum. This experience really made me realise, what the outside perspective of a family like mine must look like.
The final and if not most important message of this blog post is who the fuck cares who you call your family (pardon my language). In the end, WE define our relationships with people, we can’t choose our family, as our unconditional love towards them is inescapable and boundless.
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