This year, I turned the ripe old age of 20. Though this arguably marks that only a fraction of my life has passed, I approached my birthday with great anxiety and anticipation. When the day finally came, obviously no physical or even mental change indicated my new number and I guess that is part of the problem. For instance, I remember when I turned 10 years old and this massive deal was made by this inevitable universal concept. I don’t know, I guess, I finally understand why people don’t like celebrating their birthday. Is it not just a brash reminder of the little time we have left? That’s probably the more morbid way of looking at things and realistically not a very useful essential for my ‘everyday routine’.
With this enforced lockdown, I have had a lot, lot, lot of time to think about what is next, especially since I will be graduating this year. But to be honest, the only thing I accomplished was masterfully dodging having to properly think about it at all. I have come to realise that university in some ways is just a comfort blanket, all the freedoms of an adult without any of the responsibility. To me, it seemed like the obvious next step, yet here I am almost 3 years later, with a degree I have lost passion over and still no clue of how to progress further in life. Despite that, I do owe a lot to what the university has provided me with. For example, I have more acceptance of the person I am and so I am less likely to self-sabotage when life is going well. But I can’t really write this intangible skill on my CV, ‘my strength is that I now function somewhat normally’.
Of course, when I was younger I had a whole range of career aspirations, from a police lady to a comedian (false sense of confidence in my humour). At one point, during my heavily religious stage, I even wanted to be a pastor. Despite the amusing array of odd prospects, unsurprisingly none of these occupations really stuck with me. I do acknowledge the position I am in though. I don’t necessarily need to rush this decision as my parents could support me but I also don’t want to be a money sponge on them either. The only thing I am actually clear on is that I want to move to Asia, literally any country will do. Especially because of lockdown and then returning to my quaint uni town compared to the welcomed chaoticness of Beijing, I just feel kind of suffocated here.
I think my main barrier when figuring out what I want to do next is the fact I link my purpose in life to career. Thus in some ways, to me choosing a career is like figuring out why I am even alive. I know this mindset is inherently flawed though because no career, however good, will answer this ancient question that philosophers have been trying to figure out since the dawn of time. You could describe me as a little dramatic I guess. On the other hand, I fully get the likelihood of me finding my dream job fresh out of uni is close to none. Obviously, I will have to do things I don’t love to climb the career ladder or whatever jargon they spew at career fairs. But with the endless countdown ticking in my head, I don’t want to waste my time in an office figuring out what I do want to do or get too comfortable in the safety of security.
This time of our lives is so unclear, I feel like we are expected to know all the answers to questions we don’t even know. As someone who has never had their shit together and enjoys having no clue a bit too much, this last year has been a quick learning curve. Perhaps the only thing I have learnt this last year is to be completely honest with yourself. For instance, for the longest time I just assumed I would do a post-grad degree in China because, with no career prospects, there was very little I could think of. However, when I really thought about it I don’t really enjoy academia that much especially not in China. Additionally, not having a plan really bothers me and gives me great anxiety, which are emotions I didn’t really allow myself to feel until well into my final year. ‘The first step is acknowledgement, the second is acceptance’ some therapist talk for you. I think the most peculiar thing is that I am actually kind of optimistic about the future. Yes, I get paranoid about running out of time, but still, I am anticipating what I will be doing in the next 10 years.
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