Long time no see as per usual. I am so awful at posting regularly but back at it again, at least I will try to be. After numerous all-nighters, serious damage to the liver and a lot of staring out of my window with thoughts of existential dread fresh in the brain, I have graduated from University. Wow… just letting that sit in for a minute. I know nowadays, a degree isn’t as impressive because a lot of people have them but regardless, the life experiences you go through, the mental torment and perseverance you need, should at least warrant a small pat on the back.
Anyway, closing that saga was difficult as expressed in the ‘Growing Pains’ post but I was ready to move on and apply for ‘real’ adult life. However, life doesn’t really listen to what you want and despite craving some momentum after uni to elevate me into a high paced innovative grad job, I had to move back home with my parents. I got two part-time jobs to get me out of the house and set myself till Christmas to get a grad job. The first couple of months were difficult, my bedroom started feeling like both a refuge from the outside world and an isolated underground bunker, that apocalypse preppers would only dream to have (my bedroom was literally underground, my parents’ house is weird). When I wasn’t working or applying for jobs, I would be in my room, glued to my screen, trying to pretend I was anywhere else. I felt like a failure. Both my brothers had moved out of home at 18 but here I was, with no clear prospects back with my parents. In no way is living at home at 21 a bad thing in fact it’s probably a smart thing nowadays considering the price of Tesco meal deals. Additionally, my parents are always so supportive and helpful and especially during this time they were very accommodating to my needs as a mopey grad. Yet, I feel when you get to a certain age, living at home feels disjointed. For instance, my room wasn’t really my room, all my things from uni were still in boxes and however much I tried to be tidy, I just felt like I was always taking up too much space.
In my last post ‘Growing Pains’ (Lil bit more self-promotion for ya), I mentioned the importance for me to find a career I would find meaning in and trying to figure out what that is. For the 6 months, I was at home, I applied for maybe 50 – 80 jobs, from an events coordinator to a retail merchandiser (Still unsure of what these job titles mean). My plans also narrowed to Manchester; I’d only been there a couple of times as it’s close-ish to Lancaster. Curating the city girl aesthetic then became a fantasy I’d entertain whilst perusing flats online. Christmas came along and nothing. No job offers. No interviews lined up. Absolute silence. I’d already ridden the emotional rollercoaster of rejection, depression, resilience, and motivation several times and I just felt exhausted. The rest of my friends were either still at uni or settled into their new lives. You start feeling this weird combination of FOMO and loneliness, mixed in with wanting to be by yourself until you have your shit together. This transition period is so difficult because it’s so unpredictable, you are waiting for someone to give you a chance. In many ways, I was waiting for someone to believe in me more than I did myself, which is obviously a ridiculous ask. You forget this period of your life isn’t permanent and can sometimes get stuck feeling like it’s a never-ending cycle of nothing.
In the New Year, I became more militant with applying to jobs, more confident with being interviewed and even more motivated to progress. My goals also became more realistic as I grew more of an understanding of the job market and what I could even apply for. Then in mid-February, I got the call. I GOT A JOB. I allowed myself to enjoy the release of anxiety I’d kept pent up for the last 5 months for only a moment before my inner imposter instincts crept in. I kept badgering my dad with a paranoid barrage of questions like ‘What if they change their mind?’, What if they called the wrong person?’ and ‘What if they realize I’m not right for the job and I get fired?’. My dad reassured me that I haven’t even signed the contract yet and proceeded to rain on my anxiety-ridden parade (ngl sometimes I’m just attention-seeking).
After an intense bout of flat hunting and signing away an uncomfortable amount of money, I overpacked up my stuff from my parent’s house to set off for this new chapter. My metamorphosis as a purposeless caterpillar had reached a stage of maturity, yet I felt a pang of bittersweet as I helped my dad pack the car. Fast forward to now, I am settling into my new job, constantly rearranging the chaos which is my bedroom and navigating the intense complexities of contacting an electricity supplier.
If you are currently in a stage of transition, I understand how difficult it can be to stay patient whilst everyone else seems to be rushing past you. I remember my friends with jobs kept telling me how it’s all a ‘waiting game’ and it’s more about ‘when’ rather than ‘if’ you get a job. However, it can be hard to push past the fog of paranoia, that maybe this is it. Maybe things won’t change and you’re stuck in this situation of uncertainty. To be honest there is no clear or singular remedy to these feelings. You have to manifest this false air of confidence that you’re worth it and have something, no one else can bring to the table, well at least I did. Unfortunately, I’m not a motivational speaker that has some kind of snazzy one-liner about shooting for the stars but it is all about perspective. Although I didn’t know what career I wanted to go into or what I could offer to the job market, I made it a fact in my brain that I would live and work in Manchester. A non-negotiable. No matter how many times I would get rejected or no answer at all, this one goal never changed and could never change until it was made a reality. Almost like a mantra if you want to get all mystical. Most importantly, 5 months in the grand scheme of things is only a blip within a lifetime, that period of my life will soon deteriorate into a menial anecdote. By no means is my life perfect now but I am so excited to make use of all the opportunities presented to me. I hope you too can enjoy the reward of retrospection.
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